


you can't find one good thing to say

by paaxanthus



Category: Hunt Down The Freeman (Video Game)
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Emotionally Repressed, Gen, Guilt, Hurt No Comfort, Internal Conflict
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:26:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25965829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paaxanthus/pseuds/paaxanthus
Summary: Adam feels guilt for his actions. Adam fears the consequences of his actions. Adam doesn't know how to deal with his emotions healthily.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	you can't find one good thing to say

The thing about guilt, he knew, was that it was overwhelming, pervasive, and ugly. It didn't help that there was no way whatsoever to distract himself from said guilt. The source of it all, the reason for the massive pit in his stomach at all times, the cause of all his self-loathing, was a constant in his life. Mitch was a safe haven. He shouldn't be.

Mitch was all rough edges, layers of anger built around a vulnerable center. Trauma tended to do that to a person. His anger had him spending the past decade hunting for a man who didn't even know he existed, while the real killer was by his side, against his lips, in his bed.

An innocent man. Mitch had a personal vendetta against an innocent man. Innocence was relative, he supposed, but was Freeman really in the wrong? As far as he knew, all the troops who had met their ends at Freeman's hand had been self-defense. He couldn't hold that against them. 

He could, however, hold what he had done at Black Mesa against himself. The man had lied to him, and he had been foolish enough to believe him. He had bought right into the pretty lies that man had told him. He never thought he'd be face to face with someone whose blood was on his hands. Mitchell Shephard, he had now known the soldier's name for years, should not be alive.

Adam still didn't understand how Mitch was alive. He had heard far too many sickening cracks and crunches to comprehend just how Mitch was still there. The man in the suit was involved, somehow, he had to be, but getting anything more than cryptic horseshit from him was asking for far too much.

To hurt a stranger? The remorse in that had been drilled out of him. But to hurt someone he had grown to love, someone he now cared about? He couldn't look Mitch in the eye. He silently prayed Mitch would form his own conclusions as to why that was, hoped with all of his being that he would write it off as things he had internalized and hadn't worked through. If Mitch knew the truth… Adam didn't want to think about all the horrific possibilities. He didn't see forgiveness in the cards.

Adam was a coward. He accepted this as fact. If it had been Nick instead, maybe he could've confessed. Even if he was never forgiven, it was at least something he would live through. But he was afraid of death, and afraid of continuing to keep his secrets. The truth would not set him free, would not give him clarity. The truth would drag him to hell. He deserved to be damned, after all. 

He deserved all of Mitch's fury. He deserved the agonizing death that Freeman received in revenge fantasies. He didn't deserve Mitch's love, or trust, or vulnerability. He shouldn't have the right to see a softer side of him. He had forfeited that with the first swing of that crowbar.

Yet somehow, Mitch loved him. Mitch would even confide in him. It was rare, but he had even let himself be _vulnerable_ with Adam.

It made him feel ill. When Mitch spoke to him softly, when Adam saw his handiwork permanently etched onto his face, it made him nauseous. His stomach was tied in knots in a way his feelings for a man hadn't made him feel since he was young, keeping how he felt close as if the world would crumble around him if a single soul knew.

But the world had crumbled regardless, so he would let himself be known. 

Maybe, in another life, under different circumstances, he could love and be loved by Mitch without the heavy weight of guilt dragging him down. In this life, he knew the foundation was composed of too many falsehoods for things to truly last. Things would come crumbling down eventually. When they did, well… it was certainly a death sentence. 

If it wasn't, where would he be? Mitch would hate him, surely, almost definitely force him to leave. How would Nick feel? Would Nick play devil's advocate? Would he show Adam nothing but contempt, the same as Mitch?

Even his relationship with Nick had been tainted by the betrayal. Well, it wasn't quite a betrayal, was it? Can't betray someone if you weren't on their side.

Nick was level-headed. Even if he didn't agree with whatever Mitch saw fit to do to Adam if he found out, _when_ he found out, Adam knew he was unforgivable. He couldn't blame them if, years down the road, his name was like poison on their lips, the very thought of him like a knife to their hearts. 

Maybe Nick would understand. But Adam knew, if Nick swore to keep that secret, Mitch would end up hating him as well. He couldn't do that to Nick. He couldn't do that to either of them. When he was rotting for his sins, they would need each other.

His only companion in his guilt was himself.

**Author's Note:**

> WOO LET'S FUCKING GOOOO  
> sorry if formatting is fucked, i'm posting this on mobile from the comfort of my bed right before bedtime (snzzz)  
> shoutout to the whores of hdtf hell, love y'all xoxo  
> title is from no children by the mountain goats (i love wordy titles, but i don't think "i hope when you think of me years down the line, you can't find one good thing to say" would fit the character limit)


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